Cold Hands, Cold Feet

My hands and my feet are constantly ice cold. I have to have fuzzy socks on, covered up with a blanket, and sitting Indian-style with my feet tucked in between my legs for my feet to ever feel warm. Sometimes I make a cup of coffee just to hold so my hands can warm up. I already have bad circulation, so when it’s cold outside: game. over.

I didn’t get Cold Feet on our wedding day. The biggest day of my life, and I didn’t think twice about it. Of course Jonathan and I had talks throughout our engagement making sure this was *really* what we wanted, but it always was and I never had doubts or cold feet.

But the little things..that’s where I get cold feet. Starting new jobs. Doing something new with my hair. Going to a new restaurant. Trying to make new friends. Trying to rekindle old friendships. Buying a statement piece of jewelry. And before I know it, cold feet over the little things turn into cold feet over bigger things. Traveling. Writing more. Saying to heck with my 401K and living in the moment. Letting the Holy Spirit have full control over me & using me in ways that could make me uncomfortable.

Cold feet have taken over my life, in a sense. I’m afraid to live because of cold feet over the small things. Have you ever been so fearful of life in general that you missed out on something big? I know I have. I hope I’m not alone. To me, having cold feet about something isn’t a sign of weakness, but of caution. It’s okay to be cautious, but don’t let it take over your life. I’m on a mission to live life with passion and to pursue my dreams. To make a difference. To  love myself. To live happily. To BE happy. To be full of joy. To love God. To love others. To love life.

Slip on your fuzzy socks. Knock those cold feet out of here. Start living.

Squashing the Ants

So...we have ants. Well, we've had them. They're still here, but where we were having upwards of 100-200 a day, we're now seeing about 30-40 a day. But still. Ew. To put it simply: they're disgusting. We've been standing over them with our phone flashlights, microscopically watching them scurry around our already-dark-squiggly-designed-counters. Jonathan is so intrigued with smashing them with his thumb & then brushing them away like they *didn't* just land on my kitchen floor. (Love ya babe.) But my husband's tactics got me thinking...

We're really quick to dwell on the "ants" in our life and examine them like they're under a microscope. But are we quick to brush them away into our kitchen floor? What I'm getting at is this: the ants in our lives are the things we get so caught up over. And while we might say or think they're no big deal, we're actually dwelling over them to the point that they're eating away at us.

Seriously. These ants (the literal ones) have taken over my life. I had a nightmare last night where there were thousands of them on my counter and all I could do was stand and stare. In real life, I've been checking in on them daily -- just standing and staring. Is this how you're treating a certain issue in your life? An issue that really isn't that big of a deal, but you're staring at it under your microscope and turning it into a huge deal?

We've finally decided to get an exterminator to come & spray them to their death. Stay with me here, but I think we should be quick to call our Exterminator. Jesus. When things get big and start taking over, why do we take our precious time turning to Him? It's taken us a few days to decide to call the exterminator, because we just assumed we could get rid of the ants on our own. Turns out, they're not so easy to get rid of. That's the way life should be. Instead of trying to squash our ants, kill them, and brush them into the floor on our own, we should be quick to turn to the One who can fix our tiny problems from the get-go. It would save a lot of stress. It would save a lot of time. It would save a lot of heartache. Jesus. Our Exterminator. He's just a call away. Is my ant analogy weirding anyone else out? But really...it's so true. Instead of moseying over our depression, our anxiety, our jobs that leave us exhausted, our angst with family members, our comparison with our friends...why don't we just automatically call on Jesus, the One who can squash all of our Ants in the twinkling of an eye? 

Just food for thought. Skip out on the Terro. Call the Exterminator. 
He will squash those ants quicker than we could ever fathom.

Find Your Tribe

This past weekend, my family and I traveled to Stamping Ground, KY under the most heartbreaking circumstances. My Uncle Killis, an avid cancer fighter & cancer overcomer for the past 13 years, passed away and went Home late last week. When I first heard the news, I was devastated. My Uncle Killis – the one with the best hugs, the “funny Uncle”, the one who was always smiling – gone. My mom called me & told me on my lunch break at work. She told me she hated to tell me over the phone, but she wanted me to know. Cold pizza in hand, my throat got tight and my eyes welled with tears. There in the modern black and silver break room on the second floor of my work, I sat…devastated. “No…it doesn’t feel real,” were the only words I could choke out.  

I was dreading going. Not for fear, not for myself, but because I didn’t want to see my family hurting. My three cousins and my Aunt Melani are some of the strongest people…and to see them hurting hurt me. 

I learned something about my uncle this weekend. He was very clearly the Class Clown of his group of friends. He was always causing mischief, making everyone laugh, and leaving people on the edge of their seats with whatever prank he was going to come up with next. He was part of a group of friends who called themselves “The Tribe.” This will stick with me forever.

Various members from The Tribe spoke at his funeral telling the sweetest, funniest, happiest memories. Killis gave wisdom, brought smiles, eased the tension, and absolutely loved life – it was evident in the testimonies of his friends. 

I got to thinking. Everyone needs their own Tribe. A group of friends who support you, hold you accountable, laugh with you, cry with you, and everything in between. What’s life without a Tribe? I don't want to go on without knowing any longer. I don’t think you’re ever too old to find yours. I know Killis would’ve wanted the best for everyone he loved. I know he would’ve wanted us to all have our own Tribe.

Get out there, make friends, and find your Tribe. Thank you, Killis, for your legacy. You loved big, you celebrated happily, you made everyone feel at ease; so many people respected the man you were. The things your friends said about you have inspired me to be the best person I know how to be, and to get out there and find my Tribe. 

Hurt

I don't know who hurt you. I don't know what you've been through that's taken you to your current place. What I do know? We've all been hurt, and we're all going through something.

To the young girl hiding behind her smile, her grades, her music, her sports, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the young man hiding behind his secret fears, his parents' wrath,  his grades, his sports, his addictions, his pride, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the woman hiding behind her job, her comparisons, her imperfections, her weight, her foul language, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the man hiding behind his finances, his marital struggles, his insecurities, his health issues, his career, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

I may have not struggled through some of these things like you have, but I promise I've gone through more of them than you'd think.

We are all different, but we're all the same. We're all going through something and we're all trying to hide it, you know?

To the grown man who told me I was the dumbest person he had ever spoken to yesterday while I was just honestly trying to help: that hurt me. I've tried to forgive you, but I'm going to have to work on that a little longer. But you know what? I pity you. You've probably been hurt in the past and being rude is the only way you know how  to cope.

That's my point. We're all facing issues; things that are icky and unnecessarily difficult to be facing. We have no idea what someone else may be going through. We have no idea what medications they're reluctantly taking to try to be a more balanced person. We have NO idea what the doctor told their spouse, their aunt, their sister and that they're trying to cope through that. We have no idea what inner skeletons are torturing our peers' thoughts.

The beautiful thing is that we have the capability to be there for each other. If you're going through something, chances are, someone else very near to you is as well. Spread hope. Spread love. Spread cheer. You're not alone.

So even though I don't know who or what hurt you, I know someone probably did. Get out there  friend, with your chin up & your thoughts positive. That hurt doesn't have to define who you are anymore.

Fear

So..here I am. After over half a year, I've decided to sit down at my kitchen table (in a new house, might I add), with a piping hot cup of coffee by my side -- that has since gone ice cold, since I've sat and stared at this blank white screen for a couple hours now -- and write. 

My fear has been crippling me for 7 months. I'm so afraid of what others will think about my writing style, the words I use, the way I get my point across. I'm fearful of what others will say when they catch a glimpse inside my not-so-perfect life, marriage, and thoughts. But after 7 months of writer's block, fear of what others will think and say, and pushing my computer, journals, pens and loose-leaf papers away, here I am.

Has fear crippled you? Lately? Ever? It's so aggravating when fear grows the size of a Goliath. It can look different for all of us. There it is: standing in front of us, playing the game of Chicken with us, moving to the right when we bolt to the right, darting to the left when we try to creep by on the left. It consumes the way we live, think, act, and everything in between. MY problem is that I let it win...pretty much every time. 

Last Sunday, my father in law preached on Re-Firing; being the first to put your feet in the river & trust the presence of God when pursuing your dreams. Like the Israelites carrying the Ark of the Covenant across the Jordan River, we must TRUST that the Lord is going to part the waters & carry us through. And then yesterday we had a guest speaker. I was so tempted to stay at home from church...it is my three day weekend, after all. And I have so much house work to do...but Jonathan, in a very fatherly tone, told me he expected see me in the pews. I responded, "...okay, Dad. See you there." (He has to get there earlier than I do for sound check, so we drive separate every week). 

The guest speaker spoke on pursuing your dreams. Being an "all-in" type person. Trusting that the Lord will part the waters while you're staying faithful. Pushing your fears aside, because the timing will never be perfect. Being creative, and acting on it. 

Two weeks in a row. TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! the pastors spoke on pursuing your dreams, pushing your fears aside & trusting in the Lord. My father in law & the guest speaker hadn't planned this. This was the Holy Spirit moving in their hearts, them obeying the Word, and in turn, their words impacting a congregation. I was floored. How in the world could I have stayed home to CLEAN HOUSE and miss this?! 

We haven't been given a spirit of fear, you guys. That isn't from the Lord. We've been given a spirit of power, love, and of a sound mind. {2 Timothy 1:7} 

Pursue your dreams. Get out there and do something big. Life's too short to sit back and dwell on the what-ifs. If you love it, do it. It's time to start living the life God intended for you.

It's good to be back.