Abby

I go through weird phases where I write every day and then don't write for months. If you've stuck around for a while, you know that and accept me for who I am. So for that, I thank you! I've never thought my writing would help anyone...I just like to do it for the pure fact that I enjoy it. But almost every time after I write, someone messages me telling me it was just what they needed to hear. So I continue to click the Publish button--nervous every single time that it won't translate well, or someone will think I'm nothing more than a black sheep trying to find a purpose in the world.

I was thinking the other day about my writing...and you know those posts or quizzes or whatever they may be where you get to tell 20 random things about yourself? I'm a sucker for those! I love writing them. Like - my favorite color is purple. My hair is naturally curly. I consume more lemonade than any human ever should and at a very dangerous rate. Possibly even more than coffee. I love all foods except bananas. I am head over heels in love with Jonathan...etc. And all of these are good things - in fact, all of these are wonderful things. It's so fun to learn about others.  
But as I was thinking about those types of posts that I love to write, I thought to myself, "Do the people who read this blog really know me? What I believe? What I don't?" ... The truth is, sometimes I don't even know myself like I think I do. Keep reading to try to understand me a little bit deeper. I sense that this will be ALL over the place. So if it's too much for you...just click the 'X' in the top right corner or the little red dot in the top left corner (Windows and Mac friendly, you see) and I'll catch ya next time. :) 

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Hi. I'm Abby. Little things make me happier than you could ever imagine - like holding my baby cousin and seeing her eyes crinkle at the corners when she smiles, laughing until tears fall with my sister who, although 7 years younger, gets me like no other sister could, sitting in the kitchen on the creaky white stool and talking with my mom while she cooks supper for our family, shaking our heads and smiling about crazy furniture customers over a cup of coffee with my dad, laughing at our dog with my husband while 'Friends' plays in the background...

but there's more to my life than lots of laughter and good times. 

Sometimes I have really, really bad days.

I have days where the mere thought of life overwhelms me to a scary level and I get choked up about thinking of leaving the house. 

I have scary thoughts like, "What if something happens to me or Jonathan today and we left the house not even mad at each other, just in a hurry?"

I have moments where I dwell on the fact that this country is in a scary place and NEEDS revival in the most desperate way but I feel like my prayers and place in the world could never be enough.

I don't hate guns. I actually am for them. But sometimes I wonder if it's safe for anyone under the sun to have one because you never know who's going to go crazy and shoot a place up because he or she was having a rough day. So I understand both sides of that argument. 

In fact, when I go out anywhere, I make sure I've noted all of the nearest exits in case of an emergency. It's a level of paranoia and anxiety I don't discuss because it makes me sound nothing less than crazy...but it's true. 
The concerts Jonathan and I go to? I love them more than I can explain...but I check the exits and make sure I can get out in case of an emergency every single time. 

I have friends but feel totally misunderstood in the world. In fact, the VERY fact that I have friends and a husband who all love me blows my mind because I am very different than any other person I know. 

It freaks me out that I'm old enough to be having children and have friends who have children. The thought of raising a human who is polite, has manners and gets somewhere in the world almost sends me into crazy-woman mode because the pressure of it all seems unbearable! 

If I've ever sold you furniture and didn't know you outside of the furniture store, you saw Performance Abby. From 9-5 it's ~*showtime*~ and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I am very quiet; in situations where I have an opinion I still prefer to keep to myself. Something about waiting on a stranger and selling them something is addicting and fun, but it's also nerve wracking and pressure-filled to someone who isn't in love with talking...even talking to the ones to whom she's closest. 

The wheels in my head NEVER. STOP. TURNING. Even in my quietest hours, I'm probably over-thinking something. It isn't something that I've ever even considered trying to change about myself. I'm just always wondering about things and people and what's going on and what would happen if this changed and...you get it. 

Politics exhaust me. My family is full of both conservatives and liberals. I have friends who are conservatives. I have friends who are liberals. And the truth of it all is PEOPLE WILL NEVER AGREE! NOTHING...I repeat - NOTHING - will ever change the fact that people view things differently. I lay low on politics because I'm not too prideful to admit it...someone could put me in my place real quick with their knowledge on the subject. I try to vote biblically and I try to keep up with what's going on as best as I can...but the outrage and disagreements this politics season has caused is pure insanity. Does ANYONE agree with me on this?! I will be VERY honest and vulnerable here. I truly do see both sides - I understand why the conservatives believe what they believe and the same for those who consider themselves liberal. I just wish we wouldn't be so quick to hate on those whose beliefs don't line up completely with ours. I can have a friend who believes 100% differently than I do. I truly can. I want people to know that. Because when you identify with one political party, people are quick to throw you into a generic pool of people and the truth is, people may agree on certain things, but that doesn't make us all robots who are the same in every aspect of life. Does any of that make sense?

I'm in a constant battle with my body and the way I look. And I'm always so freaked out by what people think of me. I read people very well, but I NEVER know what people are thinking about me and it sends me into a panic sometimes. It's something I've always struggled with. Wondering what others think about you will cut you to the core. And last but not least,

I second guess almost every decision I make. Like what nail color to get (first world probs)--Sometimes even down to what I'm going to drink with my meal ..and my family loves to poke fun at me for that one!

So, with the risk of this being a long post where I did nothing but ramble, there you have it. Those are a few things that came to my mind when I got to thinking - do these people actually know me? Those aren't all the things that make me different, just some of them. 

I am generally a happy person. My good days far outnumber my bad ones. But sometimes you just have a bad day and these are some of the quirks that make mine bad.

Those crinkles in the corners of Liza's eyes..the times when EG and I get going and we're annoying everyone around us but we're laughing so hard that we don't care...those conversations I have with my mom in the kitchen...those moments where my dad and I can only shake our heads and 'sigh-smile' over our job and the people we come in contact with...those nights where Luna is being crazy but hilarious and I catch Jonathan laughing from the pit of his gut with his nose crinkled -- those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments that make my life so overwhelmingly amazing. Those are the moments that get me through the bad times. Find your moments.

Sincerely,

Abby