Battling with Anxiety and How I Cope

*Disclaimer: I've never had anxiety to the place where I sought professional help. I realize mine isn't near as bad as some people I'm very close with, so I don't make light of any of their individual situations.*

Yes, you read that right...I am yet another young adult who battles with this horrible problem-turned- fad within the last 5 years and I hope by reading this you get a better understanding of what it's like to deal with anxiety, whether you've personally experienced it or not.

When I was in elementary and middle school, anxiety was just a word that I heard every once in a while...actually no, I don't recall ever really hearing the word, much less knowing anyone who dealt with it. But it was typically being used to describe someone who had problems and needed some sort of professional help. It wasn't that big of a deal and it definitely wasn't what it is today. I don't know if it's just that I was younger and don't remember it, or if it really wasn't a big deal back then. But I do remember it coming over me out of nowhere all of the sudden and it hasn't permanently left me alone since.

Before I dive into all of this, I must say something: it speaks a lot about our generation that so many of us deal with this. Don't you think? Why is it that all of a sudden so many people are anxious, depressed, self-harming, etc.? Is the pressure too high? Is too much expected of us? Is too little expected of us and we're just a selfish generation? Is it that we're nothing but teenagers and 20-somethings that are far too dramatic for our own good? Should we channel this negativity into something else rather than dwelling on the fact that something is messed up inside of us? I don't know. I don't know why the term anxiety has become such a fad in the last 5-7 years. What I do know is the word anxiety makes me anxious in itself. You don't have to believe me, but just typing the word makes my heart race.

I grew up in a beyond wonderful family and home. My home life was not bad, negative, scary, or dreadful. My home life was absolutely amazing and I saw people all around me who were not as fortunate. My parents did every thing in their power to ensure that I had everything I needed, and while I had everything and more that I needed, they still did an awesome job at making sure I remained humble. Wow. My parents are awesome. I've said it once and I'll say it again - the pressure of having children and making sure they're raised into decent human beings seems like too much pressure to EVER take on. So kudos to all of you parents out there who have good kids. I realize it isn't always an easy job.

So, I grew up in an awesome environment. Nothing triggered my anxiety until my freshman year of high school. It was nothing the teachers or students were doing, it was just that I had come from a very small middle school where, although we didn't all hang out on the weekends together, we were pretty much all friends to some extent. I woke up excited to go to school every day in middle school. I'm 22 now, so reflecting back on days that happened 9+ years ago makes me feel so stinking old! There was nothing in the world that could dampen my spirits back then. Sure, I got into arguments with my friends and parents, and there were days I should've studied harder to get a better grade on that test, but nothing was ever bad. Life was good.

Enter: freshman year at MCHS. Like I said up there, it wasn't the teachers or students, it was just the size of the school. It wasn't bad at first, but as time progressed, things got worse.  I remember getting to school as late as I possibly could once I could drive, walking in with my head down and eyes on the ground, cheeks flushed because I was so nervous, and making a quick stop at my locker--just praying the bell would go ahead and ring so I wouldn't have to try to find an acquaintance in the Commons to visit with before class. This is the first time I ever remember having anxiety. And I think I put on a pretty good show most of the time. This was going on inside of me and I'm not sure if anyone even knew. There were days I did make it back out to the main room to visit with my friends. But wow. It was an obstacle and I dreaded walking into that building every single day.

I was always the kid who, when we had to read a paragraph person by person out loud in class, I counted the number of people in front of me, translated that to the number of paragraphs after the one we were currently on, and rehearsed my paragraph until I was sure I could get through it without choking. I'm an extroverted introvert, meaning I'm not painfully shy..I just prefer being alone or keeping to myself. So it wasn't that I couldn't read out loud, or read well for that matter. It was just the thought of reading out loud in front of 20+ people sent me into panic mode.

I've never had a panic attack. If I let myself dwell, I could. But I get myself out of my head in enough time when I'm feeling anxiety come on that I've never mentally let myself get to that spot.

And that's another thing. Anxiety IS in our heads most of the time. It's a mental illness, and some experience it so much worse than I do. It's in our heads because we let it be there. Now, on the flip side of that, I don't think it's always something we bring upon ourselves. Why? Because there are days I wake up, put my feet on the ground and already feel it creeping in my bones. I don't wake up having the thought, "Let's be anxious today!" No. I never want it. And I don't sit in big groups of people hoping it comes over me. It's when I let it win over me that it's in my head. Our thoughts are our reality. If we dwell on the anxiety, it becomes our reality and in a dangerous way.

I loathed high school up until my senior year. That's when I fell in love (rather, what I believed was love) and everything was good in my world most of the time. He and I fought like cats and dogs -- what do 18 year olds have to fight about, anyways? Haha. I just sit here, sigh-smile and shake my head thinking back..but I was in a relationship and finally! it was like I could overcome what was going on inside of me. Except not really, because we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together...and the cycle continued halfway through my freshman year of college. This caused me to be a crazy person. My friends cringed from the sidelines, watching me stumble my way through those detrimental 2-ish years, but loved me through it as best as they knew how. And if any of you are reading this right now: thank you for being my friend through all of that.

I don't remember much about high school, to be honest. When I think back, I see a few moments that are like photographs in my mind. Hilariously enough, I can picture the first (and ONLY) speaking encounter I ever had with Jonathan. I remember having the flu at my senior basketball homecoming but forcing myself to go, because I literally thought the world would quit turning if I didn't make it. I remember enjoying Choir. That's honestly about it. What I remember most? Okay...what I do remember was feeling like I was constantly walking through a tunnel. Tunnel vision to the extreme, if you will. It was like if I could just walk to my next class and not make eye contact with anyone I would be safe until the next time the bell rang. Lunch in the cafeteria was a nightmare. I sat towards the back at the end of the table near the doors...just incase I had to get out quickly. After I entered my four digit ID number signifying I had paid for my food, my heart would start to race. Finding a table with familiar faces and making it there without slipping was my biggest hurdle to jump. If I could just focus on my feet...one foot in front of the other...walking with my tray - white knuckles and all - to my seat, I would be safe for the next 16 minutes or however long lunch was after waiting in line for some stale pizza.

If I could just make it through fourth block, I was done for the day. Anxiety wasn't such a worldy issue back then, so I didn't really think anything of it. I kinda just thought I was a weird kid who had some internal issues. With her permssion, I will tell you this. My best friend, Morgan, dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. To me, her case was to the extreme. Since I was so unfamiliar with the concept, I thought what she went through was the only form of anxiety. She went through a LOT. Morgs, if you're reading this, you're one of the strongest people I know. I love you!  So since I didn't really know what was going on with me, I just brushed off the clammy, shaky hands and heart racing feeling I had so many moments of every day. The bell would ring, I'd grab my books and head to my car - hoping and praying I wouldn't come in contact with anyone I'd have to talk to. And finally I was Home. Free. 

Having anxiety is exhausting. Mine is caused by fear. I'm afraid of big crowds. I'm afraid of driving. I'm afraid of passing semi trucks while driving. I'm afraid of any form of transportation, really. I'm afraid of getting sick. I'm afraid of big animals. I'm afraid of losing my job. I'm afraid of going broke. I'm afraid of so much that you all can't even begin to understand. But the way I cope? I take it to God. For real...He knows every pain, every fear, every gut-clenching moment that sends me into turmoil, every day I wake up with my heart already racing...


And He doesn't think I'm crazy. 

That. That is the most comforting thing. There are days I totally let my anxiety win out. My throat gets tight, I get teary eyed, my heart races and I HAVE to get home where I'm safe. This happened to me three weeks ago at church. I left early because I couldn't sit still in my seat any longer. On those days, I feel like a failure. I cry, and Jonathan holds me and tells me tomorrow will be better. (Have I mentioned how amazing he is? He's never felt any form of anxiety a day in his life but he tries to understand for my benefit.) But the best part about those days is that I know Who holds my tomorrows. My God reigns. My God is in control. My God is awesome.

I was driving to Paducah just yesterday and had to call Jonathan because I was feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. He talked me through it until I got my car parked. Traffic was bad so I was in panic mode. I don't know why I panic. If I'm going to wreck, I'm going to wreck. You know? 

And then I went to Ulta, and the tunnel vision thing started again. It just comes out of nowhere. It's hard to explain. I didn't let it win out; I dealt with it, but got out as soon as I could. Once I was back in my car by myself, it was like I was safe again.

I hope I don't sound really stupid to any who are reading...I'm just writing in hopes that if any of this resonates with you, please know that you aren't alone.

I know I'm free and I've had moments with God where I never thought this would be an issue inside of me ever again. I trust in Him and my faith is what gets me through the anxiousness. But sometimes, like I said earlier, I wake up and it's already there. Those are the days I try my hardest to persevere. Life with anxiety is weird, it's always up in the air, it's always uncertain. If you deal with it, you understand.

I'm still trying to figure out how to be the best Me. I definitely don't have it figured out, even though I really wish I did. The days that I have weird, panicky anxiety come over me...that isn't the best version of Me. I'm a kind, gentle person who has really odd, intriguing interests. Anxiety shouldn't be a part of my life. So when it shows up, I TRY to kick it to the curb. It doesn't always go down that way, but I'm trying. Be your best you. There are days it will win. It's all about effort. You can overcome this. We can overcome this! Life is going to happen, and whether we make the best of it is up to us.

I just really encourage you to pray, open the Word, dive into it and find some sort of Truth if you can relate to this. And even if you can't...it never hurts to pray, open the Word, dive into it and find some sort of Truth. :)

Sincerely,

Abby