16 Things 2016 Taught Me

1.      It’s hard to do what everyone thinks is right, because no one can agree on what is right. Do what you feel is right, and what God has approved and confirmed in your heart. When you have that confirmation, there’s no need to explain yourself.

2.      Family really is the best and most important thing in my life. I am so thankful for my family and my in-laws. Every year I get more and more overwhelmed with how the Lord has blessed me in this aspect of my life. 

3.      It’s really okay to not have the approval of everyone. (See #1).

4.      God has placed me in this season of my life to allow me to work on my patience. If you’re a close friend or part of my family, you know to what I’m referring. My patience is tested every. single. day. And honestly, it’s been a bumpy ride. But I’m coming out stronger than I ever thought I was.

5.      I actually *can* live without Mountain Dew! I made it the whole year without even a sip. Honestly guys, that whole ’21 days makes a habit’ thing is kind of a lie I think. I still crave Mountain Dew almost every day, I didn’t really feel a lot better about myself, and I didn’t lose any weight. LOL. Sorry to be a downer. 

6.      I was put on Earth to write. Not everyone likes my style, and hey, that’s fine. But when I sit down & let my fingers type, words pour out that I wasn’t even thinking about. When I write, I’m able to be vulnerable in a way that most people never see in person. I would say Jonathan, Mom and Dad, Ellie Grace & Morgan are the only ones who know me in person the way you all do when I write. When I write, I get confirmation every single time, in one way or another, that lets me know I’m fulfilling my life’s purpose.

7.      It’s okay to go out and have a date night every week. Jonathan & I don’t really have a specific night we plan, but sometimes we get home from work & decide to go out on a whim. Those are my favorite nights.

8.      Buying a house is the longest, most drawn out process ever, and I’m glad we don’t have to worry about that again for a while.

9.      God’s timing is impeccable, and He never makes mistakes. I didn’t learn this in 2016, but it’s something that proves true every year that I get older.

10.  People like to be negative. It’s easier to be upset than to radiate joy. But being negative never makes things better and NEVER produces anything positive.

11.  It’s not a weakness to speak up & ask for help. In 2016 I finally went to the doctor when my depression got to a really low point, and I’m so thankful.

12.  You get out of a relationship what you put into it. I’m not even talking about romantic relationships, although it’s true for that too. To have friends, you must be a friend. If you don’t put effort into your relationships, you aren’t going to have many strong relationships.

13.  When in doubt, wear black. Just kidding, I’ve always known this. 2016 just emphasized it over and over again.

14.  It’s always the right time for a cup of coffee.

15.  I have more of an addiction to putting things in my virtual cart online than actually carrying through with the purchases.

16.  Music still heals my soul. When I’m happy, sad, tired, depressed, angry, loving, all of the above or none of the above, I still turn to music.

Some of these things were just continued lessons, but another year always brings further realizations. I am blessed indeed. I am loved by a Savior, a husband, an amazing family & many friends. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a job that provides an income. I have everything I could ever dream of having at my ripe age of 23. Here’s to another year. I love odd numbers (add it to my list of quirky facts), so 2017 is about to be amazing. Happy New Year!

We Do Christmas Big

And honestly...I'm not sorry about it.

Two years ago, Jonathan & I posted pictures of our gifts on social media after we had ripped through all the pretty paper and opened everything up. We felt a little twinge of guilt as we looked back when we realized how much money we had spent.

Last year, Jonathan told me we probably shouldn't post any pictures of our gifts. I agreed whole-heartedly. We didn't want people to think we were boasting in celebrating Christmas big, and we definitely didn't want anyone thinking we didn't celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.

But honestly...why do we let others' thoughts get in our way? We know what we celebrate. We know why we celebrate. We know traditions our families hold -- we both read the Christmas story & reflect on how abundantly blessed we are. We know that Jesus was probably not even born on December 25th, but sometime around this date. We understand how precious and important the celebration of Christmas is. We realize we have more than we could ever dream of having at our young age. We have been blessed far more than we ever deserved or could have hoped for.

So why are we ashamed that we do Christmas big? There are a lot of gifts under our tree, and most of them are for Jonathan & me... (and Luna). Our families have both celebrated Christmas BIG our entire lives. My parents have always given Ellie & me the world, and it was no different on Christmas morning. Same with Jonathan's parents for him and Katherine. Just because we give lots of gifts doesn't make us less of a Christian.

I am not suggesting you change your views or your ways just because we celebrate big. If you don't  partake in giving lots of gifts, or any gifts at all on Christmas, that is perfectly fine! Those are your traditions! But I'm tired of walking on my tiptoes around the holidays because we have lots of presents under our tree.

Y'all, our house is *tiny*. Our tree literally takes up a good chunk of our living room. You can't even walk around the tree area because it's so tight over there. But our house is cozy. Our hearts are full of love. And we are happy.

Jonathan and I know the organizations and people we give to each year at Christmas. The Lord knows our hearts, and I don't think we will have to give an account for giving lots of gifts to each other on Christmas Day.

This has been on my heart all season long. Big Christmases are our tradition. It's a day to celebrate how blessed we are, how sweet of a Savior we have been given, and how close our family is to one another. I love Christmas time. I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts! I love celebrating Christ, his birth, and what a miracle his birth was for all of us. 

Merry Christmas to all of my sweet readers. May your Christmas be warm, happy, and wonderful.

Taboo...But Why?

I wrote about my battle with Anxiety about a year ago, and it got an outrageous response. I made a disclaimer at the very top that I had never sought professional help; that I had never experienced anxiety to a level that required me to dive into medication or anything of the like. Since then, things have changed.

My case got so bad that I knew something was going on, but I didn’t want to speak up and look weak. Writing my post was kind of my way of speaking up and my attempt at making things better on my own. I didn’t want to just be another number in a sea of anxiety and depression studies. I held my issues inside. I kept them to myself. They were mine and I was to deal with them on my own. I concluded that I would not tell a soul – in person at least. Writing to hundreds of people was different to me. It was an outlet, not a cry for help.

I never understood those quotes or posts on tumblr, twitter, or Instagram that talked about how speaking up wasn’t a weakness, it was a strength. I never understood how asking for help could actually… help. I never thought this would be me. I never realized how important it is to speak up. 

Jonathan and I were lying on the couch one night when it all came out. He asked what was wrong, and instead of brushing it off as being tired like I did every other night, I actually told him.

“I think I’m depressed,” I confessed. He looked at me quizzically, not sure he wanted to accept it. But I knew he understood every single word.

“Have you prayed about it?” he asked. I had, but not like I should’ve been. I cried and told him everything while he just held my feet and listened. (Side note: it’s a super quirky trait of mine, but I love for Jonathan to hold my feet. First of all, it warms them up [cue Cold Hands, Cold Feet post] and it also comforts me in a way I can’t explain.) He told me I needed to tell my mom.  So I did the next day – a Sunday. She told me I needed to call the doctor the next day. So I did.

My appointment wasn’t for another month, but I knew I had taken the first step in getting help. That day finally rolled around, I was prescribed a very low dosage of an anti-depressant, and here I am.

I don’t tell you for your pity. I’m able to handle my stuff. I tell you because I know someone needs the nudge of encouragement to go tell someone and get help. It really isn’t a sign of weakness but of strength to get out there and tell someone what you’re going through. Don’t ever try to hold your taboo skeletons in.

And that’s the thing. Why are these issues still considered taboo? SO many people -- people you would probably never expect --  have these issues. And we still try to be so hush-hush about them. Well here I am. I was diagnosed with depression. But you know what? That doesn’t define me. I take medicine. It helps the chemicals in my brain balance out. My serotonin levels were off, so I got prescribed a pill. It doesn’t make me crazy. It makes me function. It makes me strong. If I had kept quiet, who knows where I would be right now?

I pray about my issues. I really do. And I really believe I can and will be healed from this crazy disease. And yes…it’s a disease. It eats away at you in a way that’s too difficult for me to try to put into words. But while I’m praying for healing, I’m so very thankful for my doctor and the medicine he put me on. It has made me able to live again. I truly believe doctors are on Earth for a reason. God gave us doctors to diagnose sicknesses that medicines can heal. I just don’t think it’s necessary to become dependent on your meds when you can speak the Word of God and His promises over your life. Doing this will make your problems diminish.

I just can’t wait for Heaven. When there is no more sickness. No more anxiety. No more depression. I hate it so much and I can’t wait to be in an eternal place where it is no more.

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. I know what it’s like to be in a room full of people and not be able to look up from your feet. And I know what it’s like to get home from work, sit in your chair and zone out into nothingness because reality is too daunting. It’s a real thing. And I know what it’s like to sit in a chair while your heart is racing and your hands are shaking and you’re really not sure why other than anxiety washed over you out of nowhere. The fact of the matter is: so many people go through this and you CAN be helped.

 Get out there. Get help. Speak up. It’s not a weakness. Speaking up is a strength. Telling someone your struggles can help you more than you may ever know. Let’s quit making depression and anxiety something we brush under the rug. It’s a real thing and it deserves to be spoken up about.

I love you all. Jesus loves you all way more than I ever could dream of. If you need help, reach out to me. I’ve been there and I know how hard it is, but trust me: it doesn’t have to be this way. You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you. Revel in that and find your peace in that. 

This is temporary and this too shall pass…

Cold Hands, Cold Feet

My hands and my feet are constantly ice cold. I have to have fuzzy socks on, covered up with a blanket, and sitting Indian-style with my feet tucked in between my legs for my feet to ever feel warm. Sometimes I make a cup of coffee just to hold so my hands can warm up. I already have bad circulation, so when it’s cold outside: game. over.

I didn’t get Cold Feet on our wedding day. The biggest day of my life, and I didn’t think twice about it. Of course Jonathan and I had talks throughout our engagement making sure this was *really* what we wanted, but it always was and I never had doubts or cold feet.

But the little things..that’s where I get cold feet. Starting new jobs. Doing something new with my hair. Going to a new restaurant. Trying to make new friends. Trying to rekindle old friendships. Buying a statement piece of jewelry. And before I know it, cold feet over the little things turn into cold feet over bigger things. Traveling. Writing more. Saying to heck with my 401K and living in the moment. Letting the Holy Spirit have full control over me & using me in ways that could make me uncomfortable.

Cold feet have taken over my life, in a sense. I’m afraid to live because of cold feet over the small things. Have you ever been so fearful of life in general that you missed out on something big? I know I have. I hope I’m not alone. To me, having cold feet about something isn’t a sign of weakness, but of caution. It’s okay to be cautious, but don’t let it take over your life. I’m on a mission to live life with passion and to pursue my dreams. To make a difference. To  love myself. To live happily. To BE happy. To be full of joy. To love God. To love others. To love life.

Slip on your fuzzy socks. Knock those cold feet out of here. Start living.

Squashing the Ants

So...we have ants. Well, we've had them. They're still here, but where we were having upwards of 100-200 a day, we're now seeing about 30-40 a day. But still. Ew. To put it simply: they're disgusting. We've been standing over them with our phone flashlights, microscopically watching them scurry around our already-dark-squiggly-designed-counters. Jonathan is so intrigued with smashing them with his thumb & then brushing them away like they *didn't* just land on my kitchen floor. (Love ya babe.) But my husband's tactics got me thinking...

We're really quick to dwell on the "ants" in our life and examine them like they're under a microscope. But are we quick to brush them away into our kitchen floor? What I'm getting at is this: the ants in our lives are the things we get so caught up over. And while we might say or think they're no big deal, we're actually dwelling over them to the point that they're eating away at us.

Seriously. These ants (the literal ones) have taken over my life. I had a nightmare last night where there were thousands of them on my counter and all I could do was stand and stare. In real life, I've been checking in on them daily -- just standing and staring. Is this how you're treating a certain issue in your life? An issue that really isn't that big of a deal, but you're staring at it under your microscope and turning it into a huge deal?

We've finally decided to get an exterminator to come & spray them to their death. Stay with me here, but I think we should be quick to call our Exterminator. Jesus. When things get big and start taking over, why do we take our precious time turning to Him? It's taken us a few days to decide to call the exterminator, because we just assumed we could get rid of the ants on our own. Turns out, they're not so easy to get rid of. That's the way life should be. Instead of trying to squash our ants, kill them, and brush them into the floor on our own, we should be quick to turn to the One who can fix our tiny problems from the get-go. It would save a lot of stress. It would save a lot of time. It would save a lot of heartache. Jesus. Our Exterminator. He's just a call away. Is my ant analogy weirding anyone else out? But really...it's so true. Instead of moseying over our depression, our anxiety, our jobs that leave us exhausted, our angst with family members, our comparison with our friends...why don't we just automatically call on Jesus, the One who can squash all of our Ants in the twinkling of an eye? 

Just food for thought. Skip out on the Terro. Call the Exterminator. 
He will squash those ants quicker than we could ever fathom.

Find Your Tribe

This past weekend, my family and I traveled to Stamping Ground, KY under the most heartbreaking circumstances. My Uncle Killis, an avid cancer fighter & cancer overcomer for the past 13 years, passed away and went Home late last week. When I first heard the news, I was devastated. My Uncle Killis – the one with the best hugs, the “funny Uncle”, the one who was always smiling – gone. My mom called me & told me on my lunch break at work. She told me she hated to tell me over the phone, but she wanted me to know. Cold pizza in hand, my throat got tight and my eyes welled with tears. There in the modern black and silver break room on the second floor of my work, I sat…devastated. “No…it doesn’t feel real,” were the only words I could choke out.  

I was dreading going. Not for fear, not for myself, but because I didn’t want to see my family hurting. My three cousins and my Aunt Melani are some of the strongest people…and to see them hurting hurt me. 

I learned something about my uncle this weekend. He was very clearly the Class Clown of his group of friends. He was always causing mischief, making everyone laugh, and leaving people on the edge of their seats with whatever prank he was going to come up with next. He was part of a group of friends who called themselves “The Tribe.” This will stick with me forever.

Various members from The Tribe spoke at his funeral telling the sweetest, funniest, happiest memories. Killis gave wisdom, brought smiles, eased the tension, and absolutely loved life – it was evident in the testimonies of his friends. 

I got to thinking. Everyone needs their own Tribe. A group of friends who support you, hold you accountable, laugh with you, cry with you, and everything in between. What’s life without a Tribe? I don't want to go on without knowing any longer. I don’t think you’re ever too old to find yours. I know Killis would’ve wanted the best for everyone he loved. I know he would’ve wanted us to all have our own Tribe.

Get out there, make friends, and find your Tribe. Thank you, Killis, for your legacy. You loved big, you celebrated happily, you made everyone feel at ease; so many people respected the man you were. The things your friends said about you have inspired me to be the best person I know how to be, and to get out there and find my Tribe. 

Hurt

I don't know who hurt you. I don't know what you've been through that's taken you to your current place. What I do know? We've all been hurt, and we're all going through something.

To the young girl hiding behind her smile, her grades, her music, her sports, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the young man hiding behind his secret fears, his parents' wrath,  his grades, his sports, his addictions, his pride, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the woman hiding behind her job, her comparisons, her imperfections, her weight, her foul language, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

To the man hiding behind his finances, his marital struggles, his insecurities, his health issues, his career, whatever it may be: I've been there. You're not alone.

I may have not struggled through some of these things like you have, but I promise I've gone through more of them than you'd think.

We are all different, but we're all the same. We're all going through something and we're all trying to hide it, you know?

To the grown man who told me I was the dumbest person he had ever spoken to yesterday while I was just honestly trying to help: that hurt me. I've tried to forgive you, but I'm going to have to work on that a little longer. But you know what? I pity you. You've probably been hurt in the past and being rude is the only way you know how  to cope.

That's my point. We're all facing issues; things that are icky and unnecessarily difficult to be facing. We have no idea what someone else may be going through. We have no idea what medications they're reluctantly taking to try to be a more balanced person. We have NO idea what the doctor told their spouse, their aunt, their sister and that they're trying to cope through that. We have no idea what inner skeletons are torturing our peers' thoughts.

The beautiful thing is that we have the capability to be there for each other. If you're going through something, chances are, someone else very near to you is as well. Spread hope. Spread love. Spread cheer. You're not alone.

So even though I don't know who or what hurt you, I know someone probably did. Get out there  friend, with your chin up & your thoughts positive. That hurt doesn't have to define who you are anymore.